the morning after.....

ONE STAR HANGOVER         

No pain. no real feeling of illness.. your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. be glad that you are able to function relatively well. however, you are still parched. you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. even vegetarians are craving a cheeseburger and a side of fries.

TWO STAR HANGOVER    

Slight headache. dont feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. you may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. the coffee you try to chug and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money since all you can really handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk emails.

THREE STAR HANGOVER  

definite headache. stomache feels crappy. you are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. anytime a girl walks by, you lurch because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic buds after the bouncer kicked you out after midnight.life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a liter of coke watching Good Morning Jud! youve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 chorizos and a liter of diet coke --- yet you havent peed once.

FOUR STAR HANGOVER   

your head is throbbing and you cant speak too quickly or else you might honk. you have lost the will to live. your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. you wore nice clothes but that cant hide the fact that missed an oh-so-crucial spot of shaving or it looks like you must have put on your makeup while riding the cab, your teeth have big sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of UROT national highschool circa 1976. you would give weeks pay for one of the following: 1. home time, 2. a divan or somewhere to be alone, 3. a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

FIVE STAR HANGOVER    

you have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee next to you. death seems like a pretty good idea rioght now. you cant focus as your eyes scrunched against the overpowering glare from yur computer screen. Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. you still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least thats what you think it is. you dont give a damn anyway. your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. youd cry but that would take all the moisture thats left in your body. talking is not even an option. your boss doesnt even get mad at you and your co-workers seem to think that your dog just died. you look so pathetic. you should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe.... very gently...

i found this article on sunstar newspaper. it was posted by charlston tomelden. i have no idea who this guy is but thanks to him, he more or less summed up everything i felt during these hellish aftermaths. this also goes out to my 1star or 5star alcoholic buds that managed to keep up with the mighty calling of being an ALCOFREAK...

raise your shotglasses ya'll and a toast to us!! more life!! more beer!!